A People’s Guide to Conflict

I don't know about you, but I don't like conflict. When I can, I avoid it. But still... sometimes people see things very differently from each other. No surprise--our different life experiences can cause the same situation to have hugely different meanings for us, and it happens a lot. In fact, sometimes minor differences are so frequent and so insignificant that we barely notice them.

Differences in experiences and meanings are so common that it wouldn’t be too surprising if humans had found great ways to deal with conflicts, whether small or big. But no. That’s not the case for many of us, even though there’s a lot at stake because what we do when we encounter big differences can increase the likelihood of either alienation or deeper connection. And this is a huge thing. How we handle differences, even when they’re seemingly small, can leave us with the sense of being unseen or with a sense of company. When they’re bigger, they can lead to profound alienation, deep connection, and everything in between.

In a way, the situation isn’t surprising. All of us have witnessed small, medium, and large conflicts with little resolution, and we might not have witnessed many variations in how to respond to conflict. But it turns out that when we do run into differences, we have some important choices.

How to escalate a conflict. These are things that we all do sometimes, and some conflicts are truly worth intensifying. Or not. If you want to escalate, here are some ways to do that:

Tell yourself the stakes are high; you are standing up for yourself and for an important principle. Think of your view as a path to making the world a better place.

Think of this as a battle for the absolute truth, and it’s your job to convince them what’s real. Don’t give up on that important goal.

Focus on what’s wrong with their perspective and what you think. Point out where they have gone astray in their thinking. Assert your position clearly and strongly, both to yourself and to them.

Raise your voice if necessary to make sure your point gets across.

Don’t let them deny the truth of what you're saying. If they try to do that, cut them off or dismiss their view as incorrect or even silly.

As a way to make them back down and help you regain the upper hand, consider pointing out that they have hurt your feelings.

How to make it less likely to escalate

Try setting your views and your feelings on a shelf for a few minutes. This can be hard, so give yourself some slack. Maybe count to 10. You can always come back to your own stuff. This is where you aren't trying to win a debate or convince them of anything. Try instead to focus on their experience. For most of us, this is the hardest part because it requires us to try to get a sense of their experience as if we are them. So, see if you can actually imagine what they are feeling and thinking -- not as they seem to you, but in terms they would actually recognize as their experience.

Let them know what you think they might be experiencing, but do it tentatively: “I think you’re saying... Did I hear this right?” If they correct you, that’s fine. Part of making a conflict better is making a clear, genuine effort.

It might be tempting to rephrase their perspective in such a way that you can easily refute it. For example, let’s say the other person says “I want you to understand me.” You respond this way: “So you’re saying you want me to accept everything you’re saying?” That’s not a true reflection of what they said; it’s attributing to them an easily-dismissed false statement, and they will likely feel frustrated and unheard. You are still trying to win the argument. Instead, you might try to acknowledge the heart of what they're saying: "So, it's important to you that I really get what you're saying?" Again, it's okay if your response isn't perfect. Maybe they keep working to describe what they want, and now they know you are trying.

Really letting them know you’re hearing them might sound more like this: “So, you want me to get what you’re telling me, and you don’t think I do...?” This tentative tone gives the sense that a) you’re going to allow them to correct you, and b) that you’re not arguing. You’re not using exactly the same terms they used, but that's okay because your words show you’re not just parroting back what they said. They might endorse your response as a good-enough reflection of their experience and keep talking.

Isn't this just about being nicer?

Although it can seem as if I'm talking about being "nice," that would be a misunderstanding. The idea isn't that we should act kinder, nicer, more moral, or softer. In fact, what I'm suggesting is at least as much an intellectual challenge as anything else. We can still be firm in our viewpoints, disagree, and have whatever feelings we have. It's how we proceed with them that's important.

If I don’t argue, won’t they think I’m agreeing with them?

Sometimes it’s hard to do this kind of responding because we think the other person will assume we’re agreeing with them. But acknowledgement is different from agreement. It's hard to overstate this. You can always clarify this once you’ve heard them: “I think I get what you’re saying, but I see it differently.” If the other person is able to hear you, you can explain your perspective. If not, you haven’t lost much. If you had tried to hammer away at your own view with someone who wasn’t listening, you probably wouldn’t have changed their mind, anyway. If neither person is listening, not much is actually being shared.

Why this helps

When we’re mostly occupied with communicating our own perspective, or we’re feeling overwhelmed or hurt, we just can’t feel very curious about other perspectives. So, another person might accurately experience us as not listening, or as judgmental. They might try to state their perspective more loudly, or they might choose to disconnect. On the other hand, when we feel heard, we tend to be more open to hearing others. An argument can become more of a conversation.

Things that can go wrong. And right.

When I try to do this, I have to kind of set aside my own experience temporarily. That can seem fairly easy at first, but it’s really hard when my feelings are strong. I might not be able to imagine the other’s experience, and instead I might end up trying to re-explain my own: “You don't understand.” “You seem to be trying to dominate the conversation.” You’re interrupting me.” “You hurt my feelings.” “Your argument isn’t making sense.”

We can easily slide into talking about it in our terms, not theirs. Instead, we can try to create a sort of model of what’s going on for them that they could actually endorse — how things look and feel to them -- in terms they might actually use.

If you do manage to reflect their experience back to them, more of their feelings might come out at first because they're feeling more hopeful about being heard (Yes! I'm SO hurt and angry..."). That can be hard, but it might be a good sign. Once they realize you aren't going to argue again with their experience, they will likely relax a little.

If you try this, and if they do relax, at some point they might be more open to hearing your experience. And you might also find your own experience has changed a little. This can take time, but you don't have to resolve everything immediately. Maybe you will decide to table things and continue sometime in the future, if they're up for it. For now, you've managed to keep the door open, and maybe you even feel more connected.

This seems so time-consuming!

It doesn't have to be. This kind of exchange can take just a few seconds. Even a quick acknowledgement of another person's experience can go a long way toward bridging and even repairing a gap.

The more we practice these skills for dealing with differences, the more natural they feel, and the better we get. Good luck!